Self-Love Is Not Selfish, It’s How You Reclaim Your Power

Jessica Hopkins
Sep 18
3 min read

As little girls, we were taught to be “nice.” To put others first. To ignore the discomfort in our own bodies and instead prioritize what makes others feel good, even if it costs us our peace.

We learned early that being “good” meant being selfless. That being loved meant being quiet. That being chosen meant choosing someone else over ourselves. And in the wake of this conditioning, we began to abandon ourselves bit by bit until one day, we couldn’t recognize who we were anymore. This is why self-love feels radical especially for women healing from narcissistic abuse. Because the truth is: Self-love is not selfish. It’s survival.

What the World Gets Wrong About Self-Love

Self-love has become a trendy buzzword used to sell bubble baths and skincare kits. But real self-love isn’t always soft and glamorous. Sometimes, self-love looks like hard choices, uncomfortable boundaries, and lonely nights where you choose healing over history.

It’s not always pretty, but it’s always powerful.

Self-love isn’t:

Ignoring people to be spiteful
Being “too much” or self-absorbed
Refusing to care about others

Self-love is:

Listening to your gut when something feels off
Saying no without guilt
Walking away from someone who continually breaks your heart
Choosing rest without explanation
Reclaiming your worth because it was never up for debate

The Narcissist Narrative: Why Self-Love Is a Threat

When you’ve been in a narcissistic relationship, you begin to believe that love is earned not innate. That you have to perform to be worthy. That if you change just enough, you’ll finally be enough. But narcissists don’t want a partner, they want control. And the moment you begin to love yourself, you become harder to control. That’s why self-love is often the first thing a narcissist tries to strip from you.

They say things like:

“No one else would put up with you.”
“You’ll never find anyone better.”
“You’re too emotional, too sensitive, too much.”

These words aren’t accidental. They are weapons. And they are designed to make you forget who you are.

My Wake-Up Moment

I remember when I first began to suspect I wasn’t in a loving relationship, but a controlled one. We were having an argument, and he looked at me with a calm, calculated tone and said: “You’ll never find anyone like me.” And then he listed the reasons: No one as handsome. No one your age who is this successful. No one who would take you on lavish trips or tolerate your personality. He said it so casually as if it were a fact. But in that moment, I didn’t feel lucky. I felt trapped. It was the moment I realized: He didn’t love me.

He saw me as replaceable. And he wanted me to believe that I couldn’t survive without him.

But I could. And I did.

Self-Love Is the First Step to Reclaiming Your Power

Once I began loving myself, truly loving myself I stopped settling for crumbs. I stopped bending to be digestible. I stopped waiting to be chosen. Because I had already chosen me.

And that’s what I want every woman reading this to know: You do not need permission to love yourself. You do not need approval to walk away. You do not need a reason to put your peace first. Your self-love is not selfish. It is sacred. It is revolutionary. And it is yours.

What Real Self-Love Looks Like (Hint: It’s Not Always Instagrammable)

Self-love can be quiet. It can be messy. It can be uncomfortable.

But it can also be freeing.

It looks like:

Canceling a date because you need rest not because you need an excuse
Leaving a toxic group chat
Eating alone and enjoying your own company
Journaling about your triggers instead of ignoring them
Crying when you need to and laughing without apology
Seeking therapy or coaching because you matter that much

Healing Isn’t Linear, but It Is Possible

Self-love is not a one time decision. It’s a daily practice.

Some days it will come naturally. Other days, it will feel like an uphill climb.

But each time you choose yourself whether it’s a whisper or a roar you are reclaiming your power. You are unlearning the lie that your worth is tied to someone else’s opinion.You are writing a new narrative. And you are healing out loud.