What Is Narcissistic Abuse? Understanding the Invisible Patterns That Steal Your Power
- Jessica Hopkins
- Jun 15
- 8 min read
Updated: Sep 22
Understanding the Invisible Patterns That Steal Your Power
Narcissistic abuse doesn’t always leave bruises. Sometimes it leaves confusion, self-doubt, and silence and that’s what makes it so hard to name. I remember when I first started to feel the shift. What began as admiration turned into manipulation. What I thought was love slowly eroded my sense of self. He didn’t yell. He didn’t hit. But he chipped away at my confidence with every dismissive comment, every eye roll, every time I was told I was “too emotional” or “too sensitive.” I confused control for care. I mistook love-bombing for love. I stayed in a relationship where my needs were invisible because I was trauma-bonded to a fantasy.
The person I fell for? A carefully constructed facade.
The truth? He didn’t love me, he loved the supply I gave him.
This kind of abuse is often invisible to outsiders, but it’s deeply damaging on the inside. It steals your voice, your peace, and your ability to trust your own instincts.
And yet once you start seeing the patterns for what they are, you can begin to take your power back.
Behind the Mask: Defining Narcissistic Abuse?
Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional and psychological manipulation enacted by someone with narcissistic traits, antagonistic behaviors, or at times Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
Note: Not Everyone with NPD Is Abusive: It’s the Behavior That Harms
Before we go further, let’s make something clear.
Not all individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are abusive.
Having NPD or narcissistic traits does not automatically mean someone will harm you.
Narcissistic abuse is not defined by a diagnosis.
It is defined by repeated patterns of harmful behavior especially when those behaviors are used to manipulate, control, or diminish another person over time.
Narcissistic Abuse Is Marked By:
A need for control
A lack of empathy
Exploitation of others for validation, admiration, or power
This kind of abuse isn’t always loud.
It doesn’t always show up as yelling or threats.
Often, it’s subtle.
It’s in the way they:
Dismiss your feelings
Rewrite the truth (gaslighting)
Punish you with silence
Say “I love you” but use it as a leash
It’s control masked as care.
It’s love used as a weapon.
It leaves you second-guessing your reality, questioning your worth, and blaming yourself for the mistreatment you didn’t deserve.
Why This Distinction Matters
Many survivors feel confused because they don’t want to “label” someone or seem unfair. But calling out harmful behavior is not the same as diagnosing someone. It’s about understanding the dynamics that caused you pain and giving yourself permission to name them. Your healing begins when you stop minimizing what happened to you.
Examples of Narcissistic Abuse in Action
Here’s what narcissistic abuse might look like in everyday life:
Gaslighting
“That never happened. You’re just too sensitive.”
They twist reality to make you doubt your memory or feelings, even about things you know happened.
Dismissing or Minimizing Your Emotions
You’re crying, and they respond: “You’re being dramatic.”
Or they say, “You’re always looking for a reason to be upset.”
Your pain becomes an inconvenience, not something to hold with care.
Silent Treatment or Stonewalling
They go cold or ignore you for hours or days after a disagreement without explaining why.
This isn’t space or cooling off, it’s punishment.
Love Bombing Followed by Withdrawal
They flood you with affection, promises, and gifts, then suddenly withdraw their attention or affection without explanation.
This keeps you chasing the “high” of who they were at the start.
Control Disguised as Concern
“I’m just trying to protect you. That’s why I check your phone.”
“I don’t like you hanging out with her, she’s a bad influence.”
Boundaries are ignored under the guise of love or safety.
Blame Shifting
You confront them about their behavior, and somehow you leave the conversation apologizing.They rarely take responsibility, everything becomes your fault.
Backhanded Compliments or Passive Aggression
“You look great for your age.”
“You’re lucky I’m still here after how difficult you can be.”
Their words cut while pretending to uplift.
These Are Not Normal Disagreements
This isn’t just “conflict” or “communication issues.”
It’s a pattern of manipulation and emotional harm that leaves you feeling small, confused, and emotionally drained.
Signs You May Be Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse doesn’t always start with red flags, it often begins with fireworks.
I remember how it felt at the beginning. He was charming, attentive, and seemed to understand me better than anyone ever had. He mirrored my dreams, my values, my rhythm. I thought I had finally found someone who saw me. But slowly, things began to shift.
It started with subtle digs. Backhanded compliments. Long silences when I didn’t agree with him. Moments when I shared my needs and was told I was “too much,” “too needy,” or “never satisfied.” He claimed to love me, but only when I was convenient, agreeable, or silent.
When I spoke up, he disappeared emotionally or physically.
When I needed him, I became a burden.
And when I tried to make sense of it all, I was met with confusion and blame.
At the time, I didn’t know this was narcissistic abuse.
I just thought I wasn’t good enough. That I was hard to love.
But now I know:
Being ignored for having emotions isn’t love.
Being manipulated into questioning your own reality isn’t care.
Feeling small in your own relationship isn’t normal.
Narcissistic abuse has a way of erasing your voice before you even realize it’s happening. But once you begin to notice the patterns, you start to reclaim your power.
Many survivors say they didn’t recognize they were in an abusive relationship until they were deeply entangled. Here are some common signs:
Gaslighting (denying your reality)
Love-bombing, then devaluation
Constant blame or projection
Isolation from friends and family
Feeling like you're walking on eggshells
Losing touch with your identity
Being emotionally punished for setting boundaries
What Makes It Abuse (Not Just a Difficult Person)?
Everyone has flaws. But narcissistic abuse is a pattern not a one-time incident. It's:
Strategic, not spontaneous
Repetitive, not reactive
Intentionally destabilizing
Unlike a difficult partner who is open to growth, a narcissistic abuser doesn’t take responsibility. Instead, they rewrite history, shift blame, and manipulate your perception until you begin to doubt yourself.
Real Talk: It’s Not Your Fault
Narcissists are highly skilled at making their target feel like they’re the problem. You may have heard:
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“No one else has ever had an issue with me.”
But here’s the truth:
Your empathy, your desire to understand, and your willingness to grow were used against you. You weren’t “too much.” You were too trusting of someone who never intended to meet you in emotional reciprocity.
The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic relationships often follow a pattern:
1. Idealization
They love-bomb you, mirror your values, and make you feel like the center of their world.
Example:
He called me his soulmate after only a few weeks.
He said he had never met anyone like me, someone who understood him so deeply.
He brought me flowers, made future plans, and told me I was everything he had ever prayed for. Looking back, it felt like a fairy tale, but it moved way too fast.
2. Devaluation
They criticize, withdraw, compare you to others, or give you the silent treatment.
Example:
One day, the compliments stopped.
Suddenly, I couldn’t do anything right.
He’d say things like, “Why can’t you be more like so-and-so?”
If I expressed hurt, he’d accuse me of being dramatic.
And when I tried to talk about our relationship, he’d shut down or disappear for days.
3. Discard
The narcissist abruptly withdraws, devalues, or abandons you, often without closure once your supply no longer serves them.
Example:
After everything we’d been through, he ghosted me during one of the hardest moments in my life. No explanation. No goodbye. Just silence. When I reached out, he acted cold and indifferent like I never mattered. I blamed myself at first. But eventually, I saw it for what it was: emotional abandonment.
4. Hoovering
They try to pull you back in with manipulation, charm, or false promises only to regain control or access to your energy.
Example:
Months later, he texted: “I miss you. You were the best thing that ever happened to me.”
He said he’d changed. That he finally realized what he lost.
But as soon as I let my guard down, the same patterns returned.
The love, the lies, the gaslighting, it all came back.
This cycle creates emotional dependence and trauma bonding. You begin to crave the “good version” of them even though it was never real.
What Healing Looks Like
If you’re reading this, pause for a moment and acknowledge your strength.
Because learning to identify narcissistic abuse isn’t easy.
It means shining a light on painful memories, questioning what you were told was “normal,” and confronting truths that others may try to deny.
But here’s the truth:
Awareness is power.
Every time you learn to name a pattern, you loosen its grip.
Every time you honor your experience, you take a step toward reclaiming your voice.
Every time you say, “This happened to me, and it wasn’t okay,” you move closer to freedom.
Healing doesn’t begin with perfection.
It begins with awareness, with a whisper inside that says, “Something isn’t right… and I deserve better.”
So if you’ve made it this far, I want to say:
Congratulations.
You are not only learning, you are transforming.
This is what reclaiming your power looks like.
You’re not alone. And you never were.
Healing starts with awareness and continues with boundaries, education, and support.
At URNA: Reclaim Your Power, we guide women through this process using the Power Framework™, a trauma-informed roadmap designed to help you rebuild your confidence, restore your clarity, and come home to yourself.
You can begin by exploring these resources:
“Charm or C-harm” → link to that blog post.
“Power Framework™” → link to The Power Collective page.
“Reclaim Your Power Podcast” → link to podcast page.
What Is a Trauma-Informed Roadmap?
A trauma-informed roadmap is a compassionate, non-clinical framework designed to support your healing after narcissistic abuse. It’s built on an understanding that trauma affects your thoughts, emotions, nervous system, and sense of identity.
Inside this roadmap, we focus on:
Awareness – Naming what happened and how it’s impacting you
Education – Understanding patterns like gaslighting, trauma bonds, and emotional manipulation
Empowerment – Rebuilding confidence and learning tools to protect your peace
Reflection – Unpacking beliefs shaped by abuse and rewriting your inner dialogue
Reclamation – Returning to yourself and creating a life rooted in truth, boundaries, and self-worth
This is not therapy.
It’s healing through clarity, validation, and action delivered with care, empathy, and lived experience.
Internal Resources You May Find Helpful
You Are Not Alone
If this blog resonates with you, let it be your sign: You are not crazy. You are not overreacting. And you are not alone.
What you went through was real. And you deserve real healing.
Let this be the beginning of your reclamation.
Narcissistic Abuse Support Group: Start with a Relationship Reframe Call
You’ve taken a brave step by reading this far.
Now, let’s take the next one together.
If you’re beginning to see the patterns in your own relationship or questioning what you’ve endured you don’t have to navigate it alone.
In this confidential, compassionate space, we’ll begin to:
Unpack your experiences
Validate what you’ve been through
Identify recurring dynamics
Reconnect you with your truth and inner power
This isn’t about labeling people.
It’s about reclaiming your voice, rebuilding clarity, and finding your way back to you.
You don’t have to wait until you’re “ready.” You already are.
Let’s rewrite your story on your terms.
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