When the Past Creeps In: Navigating Triggers in a New Relationship

Even in safe spaces, old wounds can whisper.

When you've survived a toxic relationship one laced with emotional manipulation, betrayal, or neglect your body doesn't just forget. It remembers. The tone of voice, the delayed text reply, the shift in energy… all of it can echo moments when you were dismissed, gaslit, or silenced. So when someone new enters your life, someone kind, genuine, and emotionally present your mind still wonders: Will they hurt me too? Is this safe or am I being naïve again?

Trauma Doesn’t Just Go Away

That fear isn’t you being dramatic. It’s not you being ungrateful for something good. It’s your nervous system doing its job: scanning for danger. You’ve learned through experience that love can come with conditions, that affection can be weaponized, and that trust can be shattered. So when your current partner does something that unintentionally mirrors your past whether it’s pulling away during conflict, raising their voice, or needing space your body reacts. Your heart might want to lean in, but your past screams protect yourself. And this is where healing gets tricky.

When They Say “I’m Not That Person”

“I’m not your ex.”

“I won’t hurt you.”

“You can trust me.”

Those words can sound comforting. And sometimes, they are true. But they don’t always ease the fear living in your bones. Because it’s not about them…It’s about what’s been done to you. When your current partner reassures you with logic, but your body is reacting with trauma, there’s often a disconnect. And if they don’t fully understand trauma responses, they may feel unfairly blamed or shut out. But you’re not projecting, you’re protecting. Healing isn’t linear. It’s messy. It takes courage to sit with the fear and the hope.To say: “I want to trust you, and I’m still learning how.”

What Helps in These Moments?

1. Name the Trigger

   Say it out loud. “When you said/did ___, it reminded me of something painful from my past. ”You’re not accusing, you’re offering context.

2. Self-Regulate First

   Breathe. Move your body. Write it down. Sometimes the fear needs to pass through you before you can communicate clearly.

3. Reinforce Safety

   Ask your partner: “Can you remind me that you’re here and you care?” Let them offer safety in their way, but also honor your own boundaries.

4. Therapy or Coaching Support

   Healing with a trauma-informed coach or therapist can help you unpack the old stories and write new ones. You don’t have to carry this alone.

5. Believe Both Truths

   “I’m scared” and “I want to try” can co-exist. You’re allowed to feel afraid without abandoning your growth.

   
   

Let Love In At Your Own Pace

You’re not broken because you flinch at kindness.You’re not too damaged to deserve connection. You’re just someone who’s learning to love again with discernment, boundaries, and self-compassion. When your new partner says, “I’m not that person,” you can smile and say: “I know you’re not. And I’m learning to believe it, day by day.”

With Love,

Jessica 💜

Are you trying to trust love again after betrayal or emotional abuse? Let’s work together.

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