You’re Not Asking for Too Much, You’re Asking for the Bare Minimum

Jessica Hopkins
Oct 17
3 min read

Updated: Oct 26

We live in a world where wanting a healthy relationship is sometimes painted as being “too picky,” “too demanding,” or “unrealistic.” But let’s get something clear, wanting emotional safety, honesty, mutual respect, and consistent effort in a relationship is not asking for too much. It’s asking for the bare minimum.

What Does a Healthy Relationship Really Look Like?

A healthy relationship is one where both people feel safe, seen, and supported not just occasionally, but consistently.

In a healthy relationship:

Your needs aren’t minimized or mocked.
Communication isn’t a battlefield.
Boundaries aren’t treated like threats.
Accountability isn’t avoided.
Love isn’t used as leverage.

There is space for both partners to grow individually and together. You feel emotionally secure, not like you’re constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. There’s mutual respect, not a silent scoreboard of who has more power. You don’t feel like you’re auditioning to be enough. That’s not a fantasy. That’s foundational.

The Shame Game: “You’re Asking for Too Much”

If you’ve ever been in a toxic or narcissistic relationship, you might have heard phrases like:

“You’re never satisfied.”
“No one will ever love you the way I do.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You expect too much.”

But what were you really asking for?

Maybe you asked for communication. Maybe you asked to be heard. Maybe you asked for fidelity, or honesty, or respect. And still you were told you were the problem.

This is the tactic of someone who’s giving less than the bare minimum but wants to keep you questioning your standards so you won’t walk away. They want to convince you that crumbs are a feast and that silence is just “space.” It’s not. It’s emotional manipulation disguised as love.

You’re Not “Too Much.” You’re Tired of Too Little.

There is a difference between having high standards and simply refusing to tolerate disrespect. And yet, we’re often shamed into believing that settling is a virtue, that if we’re not endlessly patient, endlessly forgiving, endlessly self-sacrificing, we’re not “relationship material.” But tell me this: When did emotional starvation become the new standard for love?

You’re not “too much” for asking someone to:

Be consistent in their actions
Communicate clearly
Respect your time and energy
Show up without excuses
Take accountability when they mess up

That’s not too much. That’s basic human decency. And if someone tries to convince you otherwise, it’s because they’ve never intended to give you more.

Healthy Love Doesn’t Leave You Confused

Let me say this plainly: Healthy love is not confusing. You won’t constantly wonder where you stand. You won’t be punished with silence. You won’t feel like you’re walking on eggshells.

When someone is emotionally available and values you, they show it. With their presence. With their consistency. With their words aligning with their actions. If someone makes you feel guilty for desiring clarity, peace, or commitment, they are not your person. They’re a distraction from the healing you’re meant to do.

You Deserve the Real Thing

You deserve a relationship that:

Feels like a soft place to land, not a war zone
Honors your boundaries instead of testing them
Nurtures your growth, not stunts your spirit
Supports your healing, instead of re-opening old wounds

Don’t let anyone convince you that you’re too broken to be loved in a healthy way. That’s a lie rooted in their own limitations, not your worth. Real love doesn’t ask you to prove your value. Real love meets you where you are and grows with you.

You’re Allowed to Want More

You’re allowed to want more than breadcrumbs. You’re allowed to want emotional safety. You’re allowed to leave when someone keeps giving you less. You’re allowed to trust your gut when something feels off even if it looks good on paper. There is nothing unreasonable about wanting a relationship where you feel emotionally safe, mentally stimulated, physically cherished, and spiritually aligned. Wanting a relationship that brings peace not anxiety isn’t entitlement. It’s alignment. And if someone calls your peace “too much,” they are simply not ready to meet you where you are.

You Deserve More Than the Bare Minimum

If you’re tired of feeling ashamed for wanting what’s healthy and real, know this:You’re not too much. You’re just too awake to settle for less. Your standards are not the problem. Their inability to rise to them is. You’ve already done the hard part surviving what you once thought was love. Now it’s time to thrive in something real.